In the jungle, the big animals were playing the small animals in football. The big animals were destroying the other team, leading 28-0 at halftime. At the start of the 3rd quarter, the hippo got the football, but was tackled for a loss. “Who did that?,” asked the coach of the small animals team. “I did,” replied the centipede. The next play, the lion, playing quarterback, got sacked. “Who did that?,” the little animals team coach inquired. Again, the centipede took credit. After the elephant was tackled and fumbled the football, once more by the centipede, the little animal coach asked the centipede, “You’re playing great, but where were you during the first half?” The centipede answered, “I was tying my shoes!”
A tourist at the Vatican saw a special golden phone that had a sign describing it as a direct line to G-d. It cost $10,000 per call, which was beyond his budget. The following year he visited Jerusalem and saw a similar phone, except the cost was only 50 cents. He asked the tour guide why the charge was so much lower in Jerusalem. The tour guide explained, “Here, it’s a local call.”
I was going to buy my wife a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet for Christmas, but I was worried if I did that, I wouldn’t have anything to give her for Valentine’s Day.
An atheist accidentally fell off a 2000 foot high cliff. About halfway down, he managed to catch himself on a modest branch that was growing out of the rock face. The atheist knew he couldn’t hold on for long, so, figuring he had nothing to lose, he looked up at the sky and yelled, “Is there anybody up there?”
A powerful voice answered, “Yes. I am G-d. I am here!”
The atheist pleaded, “I know I’ve never believed in you, but can you save me?”
G-d answered, “Yes, but there is one condition. You must let go of the branch, and I will catch you!”
The atheist looked down at the remaining 1000 foot drop. He thought for a moment. Then he looked back up at the sky and shouted, “Is there anybody else up there?”
There’s something I completely don’t understand: why would anyone order a small Uno’s pizza?
I wanted to buy some Trix cereal at the supermarket, but this rabbit blocked me, saying, “Trix are for kids! If I can’t have it, neither can you!”
So I had hassenpfeffer instead.
I read on the inside of a Snapple cap that the nail on the middle finger grows the fastest. Duh, the middle finger gets the most use!
It was reported in today’s news that President Obama telephoned Iranian president Rouhani – the first telephone conversation between American and Iranian presidents since Jimmy Carter. Unfortunately, our president forgot about the time difference and got Rouhani out of bed at 3 A.M., Iran time. An irate Rouhani vowed to send squads of suicide bombers, as soon as he got up at 8:00.
A boy from the Bronx asked his mother, “Where do baby carrots come from?”
She answered, “The stalk brings them.”
What’s the hardest thing about skydiving? The ground.
Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
A skydiver pulled his ripcord, but his chute didn’t deploy. He tried his reserve shoot, to no avail. As he was plummeting toward the ground, he passed a woman flying upwards. He shouted to her, “Do you know anything about parachutes?” She shouted back, “No – do you know anything about gas ovens?”
Jerry Seinfeld once questioned why skydivers bother wearing helmets. He pointed out that, if your parachute fails, the helmet won’t make much difference. In fact, the helmet is basically using you to protect it. Why anybody would jump out of a perfectly safe airplane is beyond me, but, if you have trust issues, at least pack your own parachute! And don’t purchase the cheapest altimeter. If you’re a woman, don’t wear a skirt. If you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, be sure to “go” before you board the plane, so you don’t have to open your chute at the last minute, to shorten the time spent floating helplessly down (and for the safety of observers on the ground). Finally, don’t watch the movies “Shoot ‘Em Up” or “Eraser,” the night before you jump (this comment requires familiarity with the skydiving scenes in these movies; sorry).