What’s the hardest thing about skydiving? The ground.
Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
A skydiver pulled his ripcord, but his chute didn’t deploy. He tried his reserve shoot, to no avail. As he was plummeting toward the ground, he passed a woman flying upwards. He shouted to her, “Do you know anything about parachutes?” She shouted back, “No – do you know anything about gas ovens?”
Jerry Seinfeld once questioned why skydivers bother wearing helmets. He pointed out that, if your parachute fails, the helmet won’t make much difference. In fact, the helmet is basically using you to protect it. Why anybody would jump out of a perfectly safe airplane is beyond me, but, if you have trust issues, at least pack your own parachute! And don’t purchase the cheapest altimeter. If you’re a woman, don’t wear a skirt. If you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, be sure to “go” before you board the plane, so you don’t have to open your chute at the last minute, to shorten the time spent floating helplessly down (and for the safety of observers on the ground). Finally, don’t watch the movies “Shoot ‘Em Up” or “Eraser,” the night before you jump (this comment requires familiarity with the skydiving scenes in these movies; sorry).