Archive for August, 2013

The sky’s the limit

August 29, 2013

What’s the hardest thing about skydiving? The ground.

Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

A skydiver pulled his ripcord, but his chute didn’t deploy. He tried his reserve shoot, to no avail. As he was plummeting toward the ground, he passed a woman flying upwards. He shouted to her, “Do you know anything about parachutes?” She shouted back, “No – do you know anything about gas ovens?”

Jerry Seinfeld once questioned why skydivers bother wearing helmets. He pointed out that, if your parachute fails, the helmet won’t make much difference. In fact, the helmet is basically using you to protect it. Why anybody would jump out of a perfectly safe airplane is beyond me, but, if you have trust issues, at least pack your own parachute! And don’t purchase the cheapest altimeter. If you’re a woman, don’t wear a skirt. If you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, be sure to “go” before you board the plane, so you don’t have to open your chute at the last minute, to shorten the time spent floating helplessly down (and for the safety of observers on the ground). Finally, don’t watch the movies “Shoot ‘Em Up” or “Eraser,” the night before you jump (this comment requires familiarity with the skydiving scenes in these movies; sorry).

Jewish food stamps

August 15, 2013

Remember the Entertainment Books? You could buy one dinner and get one free. The upside was I saved lots of money on dates, using those coupons. The downside is, I probably had fewer second dates, as a result. Eventually, I learned to slip the coupon to the waitress, without my date seeing. This worked better, unless I wanted to date the waitress too.

In-sult

August 10, 2013

A husband and wife have been arguing in the car. As they pass a farm with a bunch of pigs in the pen, the husband asks his wife sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
She replies, “Yeah; in-laws.”

Being a cut up in surgical recovery

August 2, 2013

Next time you have surgery, if you really want to mess with the medical staff, try this:
As you’re coming out of the anesthesia, they usually say your name and ask you how you’re feeling. Say you had gallbladder surgery and your name is Mike. Imagine the cold sweat the medical staff will experience if you wake up and say, “I’m not Mike – I’m Elliot! How did the surgery on my pinkie finger go?”

Doing timing

August 2, 2013

A white collar criminal got sentenced to prison. His first day there, all the prisoners were in the cafeteria, having lunch. One prisoner said, “97,” and everyone started laughing. Another prisoner said, “169,” and more hilarity ensued. The new guy asked his cellmate what was so funny.
“We’ve been here so long, we’ve heard every joke imaginable. So we just assigned numbers for every joke. That way, you just say the number, everyone recalls the joke, and we enjoy a good laugh!”
The new guy figured he’d give it a go and said, “202!” No response. “150!” Nothing.
He asked his cellmate, “Why didn’t anyone laugh?”
The cellmate shrugged, “Don’t feel bad; some people just can’t tell a joke.”