Archive for July, 2013

Sharing a bite

July 29, 2013

An old man ordered one hamburger and one order of French fries. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering, “That poor old couple — all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine — they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What are you waiting for?”

She replied, “The teeth.”

Pain in the assassin

July 24, 2013

Whatever happened to Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme? She was the follower of Charles Manson who, in 1975, tried to assassinate President Ford. Reportedly, she pointed her gun right at the president, but the Secret Service grabbed the gun and it never fired. Later it was found that the gun had no bullet in the chamber, although it had a full clip. Why am I bringing all this up? It occurred to me that, if Squeaky Fromme had succeeded in assassinating President Ford, this would’ve been something the Secret Service never could’ve lived down. Just imagine the digs: “You mean to tell us you couldn’t stop a woman named “Squeaky” from killing the President of the United States? Her name was ‘Squeaky;’ couldn’t you at least hear her coming?” Personally, I think she needed that nickname, in order to keep with the tradition that assassins always go by 3 names: Lee Harvey Oswald, George Wilkes Booth, James Earl Ray. About the only exception was Sirhan Sirhan, who was actually “Sirhan Bishara Sirhan,” but maybe “Bishara” was too hard to remember. “Sirhan” wasn’t that easy either, but at least if you memorized his first name, you also had his last name.

(With thanks to Jay Passannante)

Special delivery

July 22, 2013

I hear Kate Middleton joined the “Labour Party.” I haven’t seen this much excitement over the birth of a baby since “Children of Men.” Seriously, it’s nice to have a happy event in the news, for a change!
Update: the baby was named “George Alexander Louis.” Given Kate Middleton’s partly Jewish background, I wonder if her side of the family was lobbying for “Elliot Max Hymie?” Actually, it would’ve been pretty funny if they released the latter name as a joke, and let the media go nuts for about an hour, before telling the world the real name.

“Kerrying on”

July 21, 2013

Today there were news reports of possible progress by Secretary of State John Kerry, in getting the Israelis and Palestinians to sit down for more peace talks. Afterwards, a beaming John Kerry announced that attaining peace between Israel and the Palestinians is attainable and will help bring calm to the entire Middle East. He added that his next project will be to guide the Cubs to win the World Series, which will end fights in hockey games.

Guilloteam

July 15, 2013

The Chicago Tribune reported (it really did) that, at a soccer game in Brazil, a player argued a call so vehemently with a referee, the referee stabbed him to death. Subsequently, the player’s family lynched the referee, beheading him in the process (no word whether they used his head as a soccer ball, a la “The Man Who Would be King”). Such an incident would never occur in the U.S.; our version is so boring: 1-0 final scores and “a header” means something completely different than in Brazil.

Sirprise

July 11, 2013

A guy was dating a woman for a short time and found himself in her bedroom for their first moments of intimacy. He noticed she had a framed picture of a man on her bedside table and asked her if she was married. She replied with a curt “No.”
As they got into a little foreplay, he asked her, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Again, she said, “No.”
After they finished fooling around, that photo was driving him crazy with curiosity. He said, “If you’re not married and you don’t have a boyfriend, what’s with the photo of that guy?”
She glanced at the photo and replied offhandedly, “Oh, THAT! That’s just a photo of me, before the sex change!”

Sin-a-max

July 10, 2013

One good thing about watching porn on cable is it makes me realize I should work out more.

Holy matrimeany!

July 9, 2013

The guy’s wife scolded him, “How dare you accuse me of being frigid! Just for that, no sex for another year!”