Archive for March, 2013

Scientific proof that sex is good for your health

March 24, 2013

Has anyone ever heard of someone dying while having sex? Outside of the movie, “Private Benjamin,” the answer is probably “no,” or “rarely.” Conversely, how many people die while they’re NOT having sex? Millions! Ergo, fooling around will keep you around. Excess sex equals sexcess. In other words, stop what you’re doing and shtup who you’re doing.


Get the point?

March 20, 2013

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. “How did you end up with the peg leg?” he asks.
The pirate replies, “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” says the seaman. “What about your hook?”
“Well,” answers the pirate, “we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand.”
“Incredible!” says the seaman. “How’d you get the eye patch?”
“A speck of sand flew into my eye,” the pirate replies.
“You lost your eye to a speck of sand?” the seaman asks.
“Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”

Death wish

March 19, 2013

An elderly man is on his deathbed and tells his wife, “After I die, I want you to marry Hymie Schwartz.”
The wife exclaims, “Hymie Schwartz? Didn’t you used to hate him?”
The husband replied, “I still do.”

A flush beats a pair

March 15, 2013

A man is sitting on a public toilet when the guy in the stall next to him says, “Hi, how are you?”

“Um, fine,” answers the man.

“What are you up to?” asks the other guy.

“I’m traveling,” the first guy says hesitantly.

“Mind if I stop over?”

“What? Why the hell would you do that?”

“Hey, I’ll call you back,” says the other guy. “The idiot in the next stall keeps talkin’ to me.”

In the Mahmoud for love

March 12, 2013

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attended Hugo Chavez’s funeral. There, he hugged El Presidente’s wife, in consolation. He was immediately skewered by Muslim clerics back in Iran, for physical contact with a woman. I say, “How dare they! How dare those clerics criticize the punishment of that woman!”

Where there’s smoke…

March 12, 2013

Today the media reported black smoke at the Vatican, meaning no new Pope has been selected. It got me thinking, I hope they don’t have a fire where they’re all overcome by thick, black smoke. The fire department will never be notified in time.

More Pope-ular Culture

March 1, 2013

Since Pope Benedict is the first Pope to retire in centuries, this raises all sorts of questions:
1. Does he get a new job now? Could you see him behind the counter at Starbucks?
2. If he reenters civilian life, does he have to get a secret identity? If so, he can really throw people off his scent if he uses a name like “Mohammad.”
3. Is there a papal residence for retired Popes? That means nobody’s lived there for 600 years. I hope they dust occasionally.
If he chooses to stay at a Holiday Inn, will they leave a chocolate mint on his pillow or a communion wafer? If he stays in a resort, will he be pestered by locals trying to sell him a time share?
4. What do you call him now? “Pope emeritus?” “Post Pope?” “Popeye the Sailor Man?”
5. Can he ever appear in public with the new Pope? Wouldn’t it be cool if they debated? Even better: a WWF cage match! Can the ex-Pope fill in for the new Pope, if the new one is sick? Wouldn’t if be funny if Pope Benedict appeared in place of the new one, unannounced, just to see if anyone notices?
6. Is there a Pope pension fund? If so, has it been raided by the State of Illinois?
7. Does he still get to wear the hat on his birthday?