Archive for August, 2012

Semantic antics

August 29, 2012

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when a tiny vampire jumps on the hood of their car. The nun who’s driving honks the horn, to no effect. Her nun passenger suggests, “Show him your cross.” So the nun driver shouts, “Get the hell off my car!”

Did you hear about the dyslexic Jewish guy? Every time something would go wrong, he’d say, “Yo!”


Lax on the job

August 22, 2012

The owner of a drugstore arrives at his business, and sees a middle aged man leaning against the wall, with an odd look on his face. He asks his young pharmacist’s assistant what’s up. The employee explains, “The customer came in with a terrible cough. We were out of cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner exclaimed, “You fool! How’s that going to help his condition?”
The pharmacist’s assistant answered, “Ever since then, he’s been afraid to cough.”

Getting off work

August 13, 2012

A guy approaches his boss and says,”Boss, can I have tomorrow off? My wife is doing some heavy housecleaning and she wants me to help with lots of moving furniture, hauling away old carpeting, etc.”
The boss replies, “Sorry, but we’re shorthanded here; I’ve got to say ‘no.'”
The guy says, “Thanks, Boss! I knew I could count on you!”

Failing the prostrate exam

August 7, 2012

During synagogue services, the rabbi fell to his knees and prayed, “Oh, Lord, before you, I am nothing!”
The cantor then prostrated himself and declared, “Oh, Lord, before you, I am nothing!”
From the second row, Cohen, the tailor, bowed down and prayed, “G-d, before you, I am nothing!”
The cantor smirked to the rabbi, “Look who thinks he’s nothing!”


August 2, 2012

News item: Islamic militants are suspected in the murder of a Somali comedian, who had previously made fun of them.
I’ve gotten a strong impression that religious fanatics tend not to have very good senses of humor. It’s too bad, really, because even G-d has a good sense of humor. Look at the Platypus, for instance. And there’s a saying, “If you want to give G-d a good laugh, tell him your plans.”
P.S. – I’m not taking lightly the murder of the Somali comedian; I just wish his murderers had taken his attempted humor more lightly. I guess that’s why they’re called “fanatics.”