Archive for May, 2012

The difference between the White Sox and the Cubs

May 27, 2012

The White Sox have played almost a third of the season. So far, the Cubs have played a turd of a season.

Having your ice cream a la remote

May 23, 2012

Today the Chicago Tribune reported that the co-inventor of the television remote control, Eugene Polley, died. The remote control is probably the most insidious invention ever, because it directly increased the weight of the average tv viewer by at least 10%, plus it increased the time we spend in front of the tube by a factor of 4. Do you think we’d have a selection of 115 channels to watch if we had to get off the couch every time we wanted to change the channel? We’d back back to channels 2, 5, 7, 9 and 11 (which nobody watched). Even eating a big bowl of ice cream while watching tv would be trickier if you couldn’t just balance it on your lap while clicking through 50 channels. Of course, now you don’t even have to scan the channels – you just scroll down the menu, looking for the least boring show.
There is one good aspect to the remote: I usually don’t watch more than one tv commercial per show, because when the commercials come on, I can skip around to other shows for a few minutes, especially sports. Some day, the programmers will get their act together and schedule all commercials on all channels at precisely the same time, while disabling our mute buttons.
P.S. – The only other invention I can think of which has such a dark side is the snooze button on alarm clocks. Someday they’ll improve it so that the third time you press it, you get an electric shock.

Must be a Jewish thing…

May 13, 2012

I recently figured out that some of my problems stemmed from a simple misunderstanding, earlier in life: Until I was 25 or so, my mom thought today was “Happy Smother Day.”

Getting around

May 7, 2012

A man died and found himself in Heaven. At his orientation, an angel explained, “Heaven is a big place, so we issue you transportation. The luxuriousness of your transportation is determined by how faithful you were in your marriage.”
The man confessed he had occasionally ogled other women, but had been faithful. The angel said, “That’s not too bad. I can issue you a late model Chevy.”
The man drove off, happily.
A couple weeks later, the angel spotted the man sitting behind the wheel of his Chevy, looking downcast.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you like your car?”
The man replied, “The car’s fine. I’m depressed because I just ran into my wife up here.”
“So what’s so bad about that?” asked the angel.
“She was riding a skateboard!”