Archive for March, 2012

Some oddservations

March 30, 2012

What has 6 balls and screws you twice a week?
The Mega Millions lottery.
Today’s prize is $640 million and the odds of winning are 1 in 176 million. That means that, if you could buy 176 million lottery tickets, covering every possible combination of numbers, you could double your money (unless you had to split the prize with some other winner).
Why do people buy lottery tickets, despite the odds? You pay for the fantasy of what you would do if you won. I think everyone has 3 basic things they dream about, from the time they buy the lottery ticket until the drawing: 1. What you would buy; 2. The places you’d go; and, 3. The list of people you’d tell to kiss your butt.
If anyone reading this posting happens to win the big prize, it’s probably preferable not to post it on Facebook. Sure, you’ll have more friend requests than anyone since Mark Zuckerberg, but you’ll also hear more stories of woe (with accompanying requests for money) than anyone since G-d.
The ultimate pessimist would be someone who wins the lottery, but gets mad that someone else also won, so he’s got to share the prize. The ultimate test whether you’re a glass half full or glass half empty person would be if you won $10,000 by getting all but one number correct. Would you be happy you won $10,000 or furious that you were one ball away from winning $640 million?
Well, that’s it. I’ve got to run over to the convenience mart to, uh, buy something. About $5 worth.


There won’t be a 71st

March 22, 2012

An elderly man was being interviewed by the local television news, because it was his 70th wedding anniversary. The TV reporter asked, “How do you feel about being married 70 years to the same woman?”
He responded, “Well, it’s a real millstone!”

The groom reaper

March 11, 2012

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her.”


March 9, 2012

A woman went to Confession and told the Catholic priest, “I’ve become a prostitute.”
The priest exclaimed, “Dear Lord! That’s terrible! There’s no absolution for that! You’re going to burn in Hell!”
The shocked woman replied, “All from being a prostitute?”
The priest said, “Oh, terribly sorry. I thought you said, ‘Protestant.'”

Bird interred

March 8, 2012

A little girl was digging a large hole in her back yard. Her neighbor asked her why. The girl explained, “My parakeet died and I need to bury him.”
The neighbor commented, “That’s an awfully large hole for a little parakeet.”
The girl exclaimed, “That’s because he’s inside your damn cat!”

A prescient thought

March 7, 2012

Since Obama is the first African-American president, he’s not only a president – he’s also a precedent.

Kiss your problems goodbye

March 6, 2012

A college student complained to a friend that the student’s roommate’s snoring was keeping him awake all night. “He snores and snores like a freight train. I can’t sleep; all night, I pace back and forth!”
The friend suggested, “Tonight, just before you go to sleep, give your roommate a big juicy kiss, right on his lips.”
“Will that cure his snoring?”
“Not exactly – but you’ll sleep soundly while your roommate paces all night!”