Archive for February, 2012

Did Jew hear this one?

February 26, 2012

A Jewish guy noticed his Jewish friend Abe sitting on a park bench, reading an Arabic newspaper. He asked Abe why the Arabic newspaper?
Abe explained, “When I read the Jewish newspaper, all I see are stories of anti-Semitism, threats to destroy Israel and general bad news. But the Arab newspaper is filled with stories that all Jews are rich, we control the governments of the world and all the media. Frankly, it’s much better news!”

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Snap decision

February 24, 2012

A genie appeared and offered the lucky man either endless wealth or limitless wisdom. The man chose wisdom, whereupon the genie snapped his fingers and the man instantly said, “Crap! I should’ve taken the money!”

Moronity rule

February 19, 2012

The “Underwear Bomber” got life in prison last week. Good. Got me thinking how one person or just a few people can screw everything up for the rest of us. Remember the cyanide in Tylenol, in 1982? Since then, just about every product gets so many layers of safety wrapping, by the time you get it all off, the product has passed its expiration date. Then Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, comes along, and now I’ve got to wear socks without holes, whenever I fly. A plot in England resulted in no more bottles of water or any soft drink getting through security (but you can readily buy one afterwards in the airport shops for 3 bucks). The underwear bomber hastened deployment of full body scanners, which further delay air travel, especially given our moronic approach to air security, screening for weapons, instead of screening for terrorists. So now they’re examining some elderly woman’s colostomy bag (and there hasn’t even been a colostomy bag bomber!). One jerk here, one jerk there, and millions of people have to change their routines. I think prison sentences should be doubled if the crime results in mass lifestyle changes!

Forced labor

February 17, 2012

Just after his wife gave birth, her husband was comforting her: “You seemed like you were in a lot of pain. Was it really that bad? I really can’t imagine what it was like!”
The wife replied, “Well, smile as wide as you can.”
He complied.
Then she instructed, “Now, put your two index fingers in the corners of your mouth, and pull your lips as as tight as they’ll go.”
Her husband did so, and commented through stretched face, “This is rather uncomfortable, but it’s not too bad.”
The wife continued, “Now, pull your lips back over your skull.”

My rest au rant

February 12, 2012

Foods I would hesitate to eat, just based on the names:
Scrod (sounds like something you’d scrape off the bottom of your shoe)
Surf and turf (seaweed and gravel?)
tongue (waste not, want not, I guess, but isn’t it bad enough the other end is called “butt steak”? I ate this as a child, and it tasted like sucking on a penny)
shiitake mushrooms (need I elaborate?)
Poo poo platter (in many Chinese restaurants, this is the combo appetizer plate; my sense of dread about the “secret ingredients” in certain Chinese foods is set to high).
Honorable mention: burger (uncomfortably close to “booger”)
Brownie (see shiitake mushroom)

Punday (I’m so ashamed)

February 7, 2012

Scientists built a computer out of a tree. Its memory was okay, but it was too scratchy to carry. Thus, its bark was worse than its byte.
A birdwatcher died when, through his viewfinder, he caught the bird flew.
I keep brushing my dog, but I fear it’s all fur naught.
A woman liked her attorneys so much, she baked a seven lawyer cake.
The gas company sent over a real fat guy today; he was a meatier reader.
A guy was so happy after his marriage ended, I told him, “Divorce is with you!”

misunderstanding

February 6, 2012

I caught the tail end of one of those Viagra commercials where they warned, “For an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your physician.”
I made an appointment, but my physician said there was nothing he could recommend to make mine last that long.

Humean sayings

February 3, 2012

There must be some very sadistic people creating old sayings:
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
“No use beating a dead horse.”
“That’s killing two birds with one stone.”