Archive for January, 2012

A prison of interest

January 29, 2012

The warden of a prison must’ve been sadistic, because he left a thumb tack on the electric chair.
The inmate about to be executed must’ve been a piece of work himself, because, when the priest asked him if there was anything he could do before the guard threw the electric switch, the condemned inmate responded, “Could you hold my hand?”
At another prison, a condemned man was strapped in for a lethal injection. The doctor swabbed the prisoner’s arm with alcohol and inserted the needle. The prisoner asked, “Why did you swab my arm with alcohol? Are you afraid I might get an infection?”
Final thought: Why do some inmates on Death Row get put on suicide watch?

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Too much time on my hands, apparently

January 25, 2012

Things we would like to see:
After tornados destroyed the town, resident after resident said, “I thank the Lord for saving my family!”
I keep waiting for one of them to say, “I appreciate the Lord saving my family, but, next time, how about simply preventing the tornado?”

The condemned serial killer claimed voices in his head told him to kill. Next time, how about telling the voices to kiss his butt?

The killer committed a murder-suicide. Couldn’t he have done it in reverse order?

The religious fanatic encouraged his faithful to become suicide bombers. Please, can someone in the crowd respond, “You first!”

A man prayed to win the lottery. How about G-d replies, “Look – meet me halfway – buy a ticket!”

President Obama is half white. Enough about whether he was born in the U.S. When will someone question whether he’s really the first black president? (I mean he’s kind of cool sometimes, but, let’s face it, he’s no Will Smith).

The serial killer mounted an insanity defense – he claimed he couldn’t tell right from wrong. I’d love to hear the judge say, “If you didn’t know it was wrong, why did you hide the bodies in your crawl space?”

Shouldn’t all obituaries be required to state the cause of death? Doesn’t everyone want to know?

Defaulting in love

January 25, 2012

A man went to his rabbi complaining he hadn’t been on a date in 2 years. “I’m lonely, I never have any fun and I can never do anything with my male friends, who all have girlfriends.
The rabbi thought about any young single women in the congregation, and the only one he could think of was a meshuga pain-in-the-neck named Marni. He offered to fix up the guy with Marni. The guy asked, “Will she be the answer to my troubles?”
The rabbi coyly replied, “Once you start dating her, you’ll forget all about your old problems!”

Reading between the lies

January 22, 2012

Congrats to Newt Gingrich on winning the South Carolina primary. Apparently the open marriage allegations didn’t harm his campaign, even in conservative South Carolina. Perhaps those Bible thumping conservatives harbor a secret admiration for philanderers? If this is true, Newt could fully embrace that image, authoring a couple of sex books and changing his name to “Nude Kinkrich.” He’d have a much better chance with that name, especially running against the incumbent whose name sounds unfortunately close to “Oh, bummer!” Plus, he could go with campaign posters stating, “I’ve screwed up so much, I’m due for a good 4 years!”

Going skiing

January 20, 2012

What’s long and hard on a Polish man?
His last name.

Sitting on offense

January 19, 2012

A guest at a party started to tell a joke: “Two old Jews were walking…”
He was interrupted by a Jewish guest who complained, “I’m sick of Jewish jokes! Quit picking on the Jews!”
The first guest apologized and said, “I’ll tell a different joke: Two old Chinamen were walking to synagogue to see their Rabbi…”

Passing fancy

January 18, 2012

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandpa. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Time is money

January 17, 2012

A man climbed to the top of Mount Sinai to talk to G-d.
The man asked, “G-d, what’s a million years to you?”
And G-d said “A minute.”
Then the man asked:
“What’s a million dollars to you?”
and G-d said: “A penny”
Then the man asked:
“G-d…..can I have a penny?”
And G-d said:
“Sure…..In a minute.”

Sirprise!

January 13, 2012

My good friend Nanci sent me this joke:

A guy is making love to a woman he recently met, in her bedroom. He notices a picture of another man on her nightstand. He asks, “Are you married?”
She says, “No.”
He asks, “Well, do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.”
Pressing on, he inquires, “Then who’s the guy in that photo?”
She explains, “Oh, that’s just me, before the surgery.”

If you are missing teeth, don’t ask for cheese. (Corrected spacing)

January 10, 2012

This didn’t originally print out the way I had it typed. Therefore,
You are what you eat. So,
If you are: then you should avoid:
incontinent: peas and leeks
a priest: cinnamon
modestly endowed: shrimp cocktail
old: pasta primavera
a clock watcher: tic tacs
crazy: nuts
infertile: scrambled eggs
sensitive gag reflex: artichokes
a reformed thief: capers
a jihadist: salami
tone deaf: tuna
a vampire: steak
anti-Semite: juice