Archive for December, 2011

It does not compute

December 30, 2011

G-d asked his angels to research how many people were good and how many were naughty. They reported back that only 5% were good. Although disappointed, G-d decided he would send an email to the good people. Do you know what that email said?
Neither do I.

Body double trouble

December 29, 2011

Although many top al Qaeda commanders have been captured or killed, Ayman al-Zawahiri is still at large. Part of the reason is he has about 5 body doubles used to throw off pursuers. After a recent attack, the body doubles feared al-Zawahiri had been killed, which would make them unemployed. However, they were contacted by one of his aides, who said he had good news and bad news.
“What’s the good news?” they asked.
“Ayman al-Zawahiri was not killed in the attack!”
“Praise Allah – we still have jobs! What’s the bad news?”
The aide replied, “Al-Zawahiri lost an arm and an eye in the attack.”

Hippocratic oaf

December 27, 2011

My wife’s doctor cured her nymphomania.
I sued him for malpractice.

Unlucky stiff

December 24, 2011

I tried Viagra and all it hardened were my arteries.

Miscommunication

December 21, 2011

Why did Bill Clinton buy a new 4G cell phone?
He thought they said it was an “orgy” cell phone.

R.I.P. off

December 20, 2011

What were the last words of the leader of North Korea?
“Kim Jung ill! Why nobody listen to me!?”

Spring in my shtup

December 10, 2011

I can honestly state that on March 11, I started making love to my wife at 1:45 A.M. and kept going until 2:55 A.M.! Thank goodness for Daylight Savings Time!

Kid from Mars

December 9, 2011

A man was sitting on a park bench when he noticed a 10-year-old boy sitting next to him, eating 3 consecutive candy bars. The man lectured the boy, “You just ate 3 candy bars! What kind of diet is that? Don’t you know that all that sugar causes obesity, diabetes and cavities?”
The boy cooly replied, “Mister, for your information, my grandfather is 90 years old, and my great grandfather is 108!”
The man exclaimed, “Wow, that’s amazing! And they ate lots of candy too?”
The boy replied, “No. They minded their own damn business!”