Archive for September, 2011

The male delivery

September 26, 2011

Fox News Chicago just reported that the Post Office wants to change the policy that you have to be dead to get on a stamp. Thus, a famous living person such as former president Bill Clinton could get on a stamp, even though he’s alive. Of course, his commemorative stamp would be the first one that licks you.

Lambasted

September 23, 2011

Mahmoud Abbas’ speech in the UN reminded me of this joke:

A woman visiting the zoo was startled to see a lion in his cage, sleeping peacefully, surrounded by several sheep. She sought out the zookeeper and asked him how this arrangement was possible. The zookeeper replied, “It’s simple – we just add a couple fresh sheep every week.”

Gorilla my dreams

September 22, 2011

A middle aged married couple was at the zoo, when the wife leaned too far over a railing and fell into the gorilla habitat. A big male gorilla grabbed her and started carrying her away. “What should I do?” she cried to her husband.
He hollered back, “Tell him you’ve got a headache!”

Let me X you a question

September 19, 2011

When filming a porno film, does the director, instead of yelling “cut!,” yell, “throw water on them!”?

Deadly double

September 14, 2011

An elderly man couldn’t stand constantly being in the house, because his wife was on her deathbed, so he went out for a break. When he returned, he found his wife awake. Striking up a conversation, he said, “You’ll never guess who just got engaged.”
“Tell me.”
The husband answered, “Me!”

An elderly man lay on his deathbed, comatose. His grandson peeked into the bedroom and was shocked to see his grandpa sit up in bed. “Grandpa, you’re awake!”
The man explained, “Even in my coma, I could smell your grandmother baking her famous brownies! Could you bring me one?”
A minute later, the grandson returned empty handed from the kitchen and told his grandfather,
“Grandma said they’re for the shiva.”

Dishonorable mention

September 1, 2011

A wife was berating her husband: “You’re a shmuck! You’re the biggest shmuck I ever met! If they had a biggest shmuck contest, you’d come in second!”
The husband asked, “Why only second?”
She replied, “Because you’re a shmuck!”