Archive for May, 2011

The truth sinks in

May 29, 2011

It is not well known that the Iranian mullahs actually hated Osama bin Laden. After all, Iranians are mostly Shiite Muslims, and al Qaeda killed many Shiites. In any event, that’s why the U.S. navy buried Osama at sea. The Iranian mullahs had vowed to someday dance on his grave.

What goes up must come down

May 26, 2011

A man walked into a brothel and confided to the Madam he always wanted to have sex on a trampoline (no pun intended). The madam replied that, in fact, he was not the first to request this, and the brothel had a special trampoline room on the third floor. Up the man went (no pun intended) with his “date.” As they bounced on the trampoline, locked in sexual embrace, they overdid it and bounced right out the open window, plunging 3 stories to the pavement, where they lay (no pun intended) dead, naked, and still locked together. A drunk stumbled by a couple minutes later, surveyed the scene, and knocked on the brothel’s door. The madam opened the door and the drunk said, “I just wanted to let you know your sign fell down!”

Thou shul not enter

May 25, 2011

You know how synagogues sell tickets for admission during the High Holidays? One year, a guy showed up without a ticket on Yom Kippur. The usher wouldn’t admit him. The guy told the usher, “I’m not even a member of this congregation, but my brother’s in there and I have to talk to him!”
The usher still refused.
The guy pleaded, “Please, I have to talk to my brother! It’ll only take a few minutes!”
Finally, the usher said, “Okay, I’ll let you in, but you better not let me catch you praying!”

A hoarse throat

May 24, 2011

A cop pulled over a guy for speeding. The driver told the cop, “Sorry if I was going too fast, but I’m very sick!”
The cop noticed a racing form on the seat next to the driver and commented, “It looks like you’re going to the track.”
The driver answered, “That’s not a sickness?”

Ear today, gone tomorrow

May 23, 2011

An elderly man was bragging about his new hearing aid: “This one cost a bundle, but it’s the best hearing aid ever made!”
One of his cronies asked him, “What kind is it?”
He answered, “4:30.”

In honor of the end of the world

May 20, 2011

One of the Cardinals rushed into the Pope’s inner office and told the Pope, “Jesus just rode into the Vatican on a donkey!”
Without looking up, the Pope responded, “Look busy.”

Where there’s a will, there’s a way

May 17, 2011

An 80-year-old man was engaged to a 20-year-old woman. His friend asked him, “How did you, at age 80, get such a beautiful young woman to agree to be your bride?”
The old man answered, “I told her I was 90.”

Let’s get physical

May 16, 2011

A man went to a female doctor. She told him to go into an examining room and take off his clothes, which he did. A moment later there was a knock on the door. The doctor entered. She examined him completely, looking closely at every part of his body. When she finished, she asked, “Do you have any questions?”
The patient replied, “Only one: why did you knock?”

Demon strators

May 7, 2011

Fox news showed a big demonstration in London by Muslims protesting Osama’s execution. It had all the usual obnoxious stuff, like signs saying, “Islam will dominate the world.” I guess those particular Muslims believe that their city should change its name to “Osama bin London.”

The week of Osama humor marches on!

May 5, 2011

Osama had a vision that made him think he was starting a career in acting or perhaps modeling. In his vision, Allah told him he was soon going to have his own headshot.