Archive for March, 2011

Lacking spirit

March 28, 2011

They’ve got all these TV shows where someone can see and talk to ghosts. Drop what you’re doing – a ghost needs closure! It seems to me that these “ghost whisperers” would never have much privacy. Would a ghost know to wait until after you were done going to the bathroom before bringing up his problems? How perturbed would you be if, right in the middle of making love to your spouse, you saw some needy ghost floating up by the ceiling, impatiently gesturing for you to hurry up? What if one appeared in your car, just as you were merging? This could be worse than driving while texting!

The flirt dirt

March 20, 2011

My wife defines “flirting” as any conversation I have at any time with any woman who happens to be good looking. I just don’t get it; I guess I’m not the jealous type. The last time she thought I was flirting, I didn’t even ask the woman for her phone number! Maybe I shouldn’t have told the “flirtee” that my wife was my sister. My older sister.

drink think

March 14, 2011

A teacher attempted to educate her 6th grade class to the evils of alcohol by dropping a worm into a bottle of whiskey. The worm immediately shriveled up and died. The teacher asked the class, “Now, what does that tell you about alcohol?”
Little Johnny answered, “If you drink lots of whiskey, you’ll never get worms!”

Buy the friendly skies…

March 7, 2011

The way the airline industry is going, I envision this scenario:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, our plane will be crash landing in a few moments. Please assume the crash position. If you have a pillow, use it to shield your face. If you do not have a pillow, you may rent one from one of the flight attendants for $5, credit card only.”

The breast of both worlds

March 6, 2011

How is breast feeding somewhat similar to real estate?
The most important thing in breast feeding is lactation, lactation, lactation.

My wife’s subconscious Hobson’s choice

March 5, 2011

As I was preparing to leave for a pool event, my wife kissed me and said, Be a good boy!”
Then as I headed out the door, she added, “Have fun!”
I stopped in my tracks and said, “Make up your mind already!”

Finding your true calling

March 4, 2011

A guy ran into his old friend Hermie, who he hadn’t seen in years. “Tell me what’s new in your life,” he asked.
Hermie replied, “You won’t believe this, but I married this beautiful call girl I met one night!”
“Wow, that’s amazing! Being married to a beautiful call girl must have certain, shall we say, ‘benefits.’ I’ll bet she’s really good in bed.”
Hermie breathlessly replied, “You bet! Plus, she gives me a 20% discount!”