Archive for January, 2011

A new low

January 29, 2011

A new Sunset Foods opened nearby this week. I guess you could call their opening “sunrise Sunset.”

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Sale-acious humor

January 26, 2011

My wife gets turned on while shopping. I’m beginning to think she’s buy sexual.

Betting on number 7

January 26, 2011

A Jewish man was walking down a downtown street when a stretch limo pulled to the curb, and Herbie, his friend from the old neighborhood, got out of the back seat. Herbie was wearing expensive clothes and wearing a Rolex. The man exclaimed, “Herbie! What happened? Did you win the lottery?”
Herbie explained, “I won millions at the track.”
“Do you have a betting system?”
Herbie answered, “Not really. I started going to Friday night Shabbat services and again Saturday morning. Never missed praying on Sabbath. Since then, I pick the winning horse almost every time!”
The man figured he’d give it a shot. He started religiously attending Shabbat services. Still, he only occasionally won at the track – no more than anyone else. He called up Herbie and complained, “It’s not working!”
Herbie seemed puzzled. He asked, “Well, where have you been going to shul?”
“B’nei Shalom.”
Herbie exclaimed, “B’nei Shalom? That’s for harness racing!”

The prodikill son

January 23, 2011

Two jihadist mothers were looking at photos of their suicide bomber sons. One mother commented, “It seems like just yesterday he was a baby.”
The other one sighed, “Yes, they blow up so fast!”

Barking up the wrong tree

January 19, 2011

Medical science was baffled when a dog came down with Dutch Elm Disease. This was the first time in history that an animal caught a disease from a plant. After years of study, scientists determined that the disease was transferred to the unfortunate dog through the bark.

REM Cheap

January 13, 2011

A woman told her husband, “I had a dream that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
Her husband replied mysteriously, “You’ll find out tonight.”
That night, he gave her a wrapped present. She eagerly tore it open and discovered her husband had given her a book titled, “Interpreting Dreams.”

Let me rephrase that

January 9, 2011

A bunch of fanatical jihadists decided to take a break from their terrorist activities to play a chess tournament. They couldn’t decide who would play who, so they drew names out of a hat. The first one said, “I drew Said. He’s a tough opponent!”
The second one said, “I drew Muhammad.”
The rest of the group beat and stabbed him to death.

Contretemps of court

January 6, 2011

A judge came home from court and told his wife, “They’re saying around the courthouse that I’m arrogant and intimidating. Do you think I’m arrogant and intimidating?”
His wife replied, “No, Your Honor.”

Gyp seeing the future

January 4, 2011

A woman visited a fortune teller. As the fortune teller gazed into her crystal ball, a dark look enveloped her face. The woman asked, “What’s wrong? Do you see something bad?”
The fortune teller sighed and said, “I see your husband dying a violent death.”
The woman absorbed this prediction for a few seconds and asked the fortune teller, “Will I be acquitted?”