Up in the stratos fear

There’s been a lot of controversy over airport security recently. Now they’ve got these scanners, like something out of “Total Recall,” that either expose you to gamma rays or directly upload your naked image to the internet, the IRS and The Jehovah’s Witnesses. You can opt out, at which point they punish you with a full body pat down, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds. Part of the reason for this is, you get patted down by someone of your same gender. Now I’m not sure if this policy is to protect the “feeler uppers (the “fu’s”)” or the passengers. Personally, as a guy, I’d prefer to be rubbed down by a woman, preferably one who’s shaved her legs this week. But what happens when gay passengers come through? Shouldn’t they get opposite sex fu’s? As an fu, I don’t think I’d be entirely comfortable sliding my hands up and down the insides of another guy’s thighs and buttocks. Especially, if he’s getting into it, with included wink, nudge and smile. I’d be afraid I’d come across a metallic business card on his person, designed to purposely set off the metal detector wand. Then he’d smile enticingly and say, “That’s for you, Handsome!” Plus, what if I’m the typical hetero passenger, and I’m suspecting the fu is showing a little too much enthusiasm for his work? Can I request a change of venue, so to speak?
The sheep who say, “Well, I don’t mind the inconvenience because this keeps us all safer” seem to assume that everyone carries the same security risk. That 90-year-old woman with the walker? Watch out! The walker could be a deviously designed rocket launcher! The baby with the bottle could really be drinking molecular acid, which will dissolve the skin of the jet, just like in “Aliens.” Never mind that the kid is drinking it without ill effects. I read on the internet that North Koreans are training special secret agent babies to feign drinking the acid, so they can spit it on nosy fu’s. At least I think it was the internet. Maybe Glenn Beck?
It’s sad to think that the only positive step the airlines has taken in 30 years is banning smoking. Every other misadventure has been downhill. After all, what other corporate business model tells its customers, “Arrive 3 hours early, for our convenience and to help get through massive, disorganized delays going from your ticket check-in to your overbooked flight. Mostly you will wait, but some of that time you might get to sit down. And don’t worry about that bottled water you had to give up at security. We’ll sell you a fresh one for $5 once you’re past security. Just be glad that widespread body cavity searches haven’t taken hold… yet. Of course, nobody from the TSA will ever be subjected to one of THOSE! They just carry their privates in a strap on, diplomatic pouch.

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