Archive for September, 2010

Welt hung

September 27, 2010

A drunk was in a bar when he got up to go to the bathroom. A minute later, the bartender heard a blood curdling scream from the bathroom and investigated. The drunk told him, “I was sitting there on the toilet, and when I flushed, something came up and squeezed my ‘family jewels!'”
The bartender looked over to where the drunk was indicating and replied, “You idiot; that’s the mop bucket!”

Tushee’

September 22, 2010

A 40-year-old woman came home from the doctor and told her husband, “The doctor said I have the breasts of a 30-year-old!”
The husband replied, “Did he say anything about your 40-year-old ass?”
She answered sweetly, “Your name never came up.”

The Days of Aww

September 18, 2010

An orthodox rabbi was addicted to golf. On Rosh Hashanah, he snuck over to the golf course and got in a round. The angels in heaven complained to G-d, who promised he’d punish the errant rabbi. Nothing happened, and on Yom Kippur, the rabbi secretly went to the golf course again. In fact, on the first hole, he made a hole- in- one! The angels were outraged. They complained to G-d, “You said you’d punish this rabbi. Instead, he golfs on Yom Kippur, and gets rewarded with a hole-in-one!”
G-d replied calmly, “That’s his punishment.”
The angels asked, “How can a hole-in-one be punishment?”
G-d explained, “Who can he tell about it?”

Please don’t be cross with me

September 17, 2010

What were Jesus’ last words, while he was up on the cross?
“Wow, I can see my house from here!”

Bride and gloom

September 15, 2010

A middle aged Jewish woman consulted with her rabbi. “Rabbi, both Yankela and Moshe want to marry me. Which will be the lucky one?”
The rabbi answered, “Yankela will marry you. Moshe will be the lucky one.”

The Lions Club should donate glasses to Muslims which will enable them to see irony.

September 13, 2010

It was reported in today’s news that thousands of Muslims in Afghanistan, Pakistan, etc. rioted over reports that a few Americans might desecrate Korans. The matter was considered so urgent, that hundreds of Sunni Moslems interrupted their bomb Shiite Mosques planning meetings, so they could go outside and demonstrate.

correction

September 8, 2010

The title of today’s joke was “(S)excess.” I don’t know why it came out different.

(S)excess

September 8, 2010

A guy comes home early and finds his wife in bed with 3 guys. He stammers, “Honey, I don’t believe it! How could you?”
She replies, “Well, you know I’ve always been something of a flirt!”

Happy birthduh

September 7, 2010

A blond was being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, “What’s your birthday?”
She replied, “May 1.”
He followed up with, “What year?”
She answered, “Every year.”

If at first you don’t succeed…

September 3, 2010

A traveler in Ireland knocks on the door of an inn called “St. George and the Dragon.” A woman answers and the traveler asks if he could have some food. She snaps, “NO!” and slams the door in his face. A minute later he knocks on the door and she opens it and says, “Now what do you want?”
The traveler asks, “May I please speak to George?”