Archive for August, 2010

Add vice

August 28, 2010

A guy was walking along a beach when a booming voice in his head commanded, “Dig!”
He dug in the sand and discovered a treasure chest filled with millions of dollars worth of gold coins. The voice in his head ordered, “Casino!”
He headed for Las Vegas with his coins and entered the first casino he saw. The voice said, “Roulette!,” so he walked over to the roulette wheel.
The voice said, “Thirteen!”
He put all the money on thirteen. The wheel spun. It landed on… fourteen.
The voice in his head thundered, “Crap!”


Getting face time

August 27, 2010

A blind man goes up to the manager in a restaurant and, feeling the manager’s face, says, “Are you the manager of this restaurant?”
“Yes, I’m the manager.”
Continuing to feel the manager’s face, the blind guy says, “Are you sure you’re the manager; are you positive?”
“Yes, yes, I’m the manager! How can I assist you?”
The blind guy, still touching the manager’s face, explained, “I just wanted to let you know you’re out of soap in the bathroom.”

Oh, limp picks!

August 26, 2010

Why does Mexico usually do poorly in the Olympics?
Because most of the Mexicans who can run, jump and swim are already over here.

Inhuman nature

August 23, 2010

When does a Jew become a Hebe, a Puerto Rican become a spic, an Irishman become a Mick, etc.?
When they leave the room.

How do you know when someone is about to tell a racist joke?
He looks over his shoulder.

humor by the numbers

August 19, 2010

A guy entered prison for some white collar crime. In the cafeteria, another prisoner said, “23,” and everyone laughed uproariously. Another inmate said, “14,” and again, the prisoners cracked up. “What’s that all about?,” he asked the guy sitting next to him.
The other prisoner explained, “We’ve all been in here so long, we’ve heard every joke ever told. So to save time, we numbered all the jokes, and if you want to tell a joke, you just say the number, and we all think about that joke and get a good laugh.”
“I guess that makes sense,” the newbie replied. He figured he’d give it a try and said really loud, “15!”
Nobody laughed. He tried again. “21!” Dead silence.
He turned to his neighbor, “I don’t get it – nobody laughed!”
The other prisoner shrugged and said, “Sorry. Some people just can’t tell a joke.”

Did you hear this one?

August 16, 2010

What goes “klippity klop, bang bang, klippity klop?”
An Amish drive-by shooting.

An argument against Jew rule, so lame

August 11, 2010

A Saudi prince visiting the U.S. criticized Israeli hegemony over East Jerusalem. “The Israelis are ethnically cleansing the Muslims. They wish to make East Jerusalem completely Jewish!”
An American politician said, “We take these allegations very seriously and would like to discuss them further.”
The prince replied, “Thank you, but I return to Saudi Arabia later today and my schedule is full.”
The American offered, “Well, how about if we meet in Mecca to discuss these issues?”
“No non-Muslims are allowed in Mecca.”
The American followed up with, “Oh, that’s right. Well, I can meet you at any church anywhere in Saudi Arabia.”
“We don’t allow churches in our sacred Muslim country.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you at your palace.”
The prince said, “All right, but you won’t be allowed to wear that crucifix I see hanging around your neck.”
“Can I at least bring my personal Bible?”
“Fine. It’ll just be me and my staff.”
“Are any of them women?”
“They must cover everything except their faces, so nobody stones or rapes them.”
“Anything else?”
“Are there any Jews on your staff?”
“A couple.”
“No Jews allowed.”
“You mean into your palace?”
“Into my country.”
The exasperated American asked, “Why do you even care about the status of Jerusalem, which isn’t in Saudi Arabia?”
The prince explained, “We want Jerusalem to be free like our country.”

Miracle shot

August 10, 2010

Jesus and G-d went golfing. G-d’s tee shot sliced into a pond. A fish grabbed the ball in its mouth and swam a few yards before an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons. As the eagle soared away with the fish, the fish dropped the ball, which landed on the green and stopped an inch from the cup. A mild earth tremor caused the ball to roll into the cup for a hole-in-one.
Jesus turned to a smiling G-d and said, “Are you gonna golf, or are you going to screw around?”

split decision

August 9, 2010

In old Russia, 2 young Jewish women were waiting for their future husbands to arrive from another shtetl in another village. They had never met their future husbands, so they were quite nervous. Unfortunately, one of the men was killed in an accident during the trip. Nobody knew which woman the surviving man was supposed to marry. The mother of each woman was called into a private meeting with the local rabbi. The rabbi said, “I have the solution: we will cut the man in half and each of your daughters will get a half.”
The first mother said, “Oh no, Rabbi! That would kill the poor man!”
The second mother said, “Your solution is acceptable.”
The rabbi looked at the second mother and announced, “We have found the mother-in-law!”

A change of hard

August 7, 2010

One day this guy told his wife that he wanted to undergo a sex change. The wife was unbelievably tolerant and supportive. She went with him to all the doctor appointments, stayed with him in the hospital after the surgeries and provided moral support. Finally it was over. He had been transformed into a woman. Back at home, the wife noted her former man getting ready to sleep on the sofa. “Why don’t you come to bed?” she asked.
The newly created female replied, “Why would I? I’m no lesbian!”