Archive for July, 2010

A tale of 3 misfires

July 31, 2010

Two elderly Englishmen were trading stories from their younger days. One of them related, “I remember a most hair raising experience when I was on safari in 1970. We came upon a lion devouring an antelope it had just slaughtered. I raised my rifle and, it misfired! I reloaded and, another misfire! Suddenly, the lion caught my scent and charged me with a mighty ROAR! By Jove, I shit in my pants!”
His friend commiserated, “Quite understandable, considering the danger you were in.”
The first Englishman clarified, “No, no… I mean just now, when I ROARED!”

Old sayings modified for modern times

July 30, 2010

Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.
You can lead a fool to knowledge, but you cannot make him think.
A bird in hand violates federal law.
There are no atheists on Fox news.
Only the young die good.
Time wounds all heels.

From my standup comedy routine

July 29, 2010

Some TV commercials defy common sense. Anyone remember commercials for Surf laundry detergent? The pitch was that Surf could remove body odor from clothing that other detergents couldn’t. They usually involved some guy wearing a shirt freshly laundered with Brand X, getting some comment from his friends that the shirt still stank.
All I can say is, if you wash your clothes with any detergent, and they still smell, you’ve got a glandular problem, Pal!
You don’t need to change laundry detergents, but you might need to change your diet. Perhaps a little less garlic? Perhaps a lot less?

pop the question

July 28, 2010

How do you know when you’ve got a really bad acne pimple?
You can see it without looking in a mirror.

Cheap shot

July 27, 2010

A guy rushed into a bar and told the bartender, “Quick, give me a shot of whiskey!”
The bartender complied, the guy downed it and said, “Hurry, another shot!”
Again, he gulped it down and said, “Fast, give me another!!”
After again refilling the guy’s glass, the bartender said, “Hey Mack, why the big rush to get drunk?”
The guy said, “You’d be in a hurry too, if you had what I have!”
The bartender inquired, “Why? What do you have?”
The guy answered, “50 cents.”

Naked city

July 26, 2010

An old lady called the cops to report a guy in the neighborhood walking around naked behind the front window of his house. “It’s very offensive,” she complained to the cop.
The cop looked down the street, but told the lady he couldn’t see any naked man behind any window.
“You’ve got to use these,” replied the lady, handing the cop a pair of binoculars.

An accident that would byte

July 25, 2010

Why should you take extra care never to run over a computer programmer?
You’d get geek all over your fender.

Terrorist hospitality

July 24, 2010

The Palestinian boss terrorist was giving an assignment to his minion, Saed. “You will go to Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, and blow yourself up, killing dozens of infidels!”
Saed asked, “Is it okay if I wait until next week?”
The boss inquired why.
“My cousin Sara is getting treated there, and she doesn’t get out until Sunday.”

dogged pursuit

July 23, 2010

A French poodle was taken on a safari with his owner and wandered off. Soon he was hopelessly lost. As he was sniffing some old animal bones he found on the jungle floor, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a lion stalking him. Thinking fast and pretending not to notice the lion, he said out loud, “Yum, that sure was a tasty lion!”
The lion saw the animal bones and figured this poodle was some strange creature that ate lions. So the lion fled in terror. A monkey saw the whole scam, and figured if he told the lion of the ruse, he could curry favor with the lion. So the monkey took off after the lion. The poodle noticed this and knew the monkey was going to rat him out. The poodle began to furiously think up a new plan.
Soon, the monkey caught up to the lion and explained how the poodle had tricked the lion. The embarrassed lion said, “Hop on my back, and you’ll see me teach that strange creature a real lesson!”
As the lion approached with the monkey on his back, the poodle again pretended not to notice and said, “Where is that stupid monkey? I sent him off 10 minutes ago to bring me another lion!”

Bake to the future

July 21, 2010

Grandpa lay on his deathbed, in a coma, not expected to live even another day. Family members were gathered at his house, awaiting the inevitable. As his grandson was standing next to the bed, Grandpa suddenly opened his eyes and sat up. “Grandpa, I can’t believe you woke up!” exclaimed his grandson.
“I woke up because even in my coma, I could smell Grandma making her delicious brownies in the kitchen. Could you go get me one?”
“Sure, Grandpa; I’ll be right back!”
A minute later the grandson returned empty handed. The grandfather asked, “Where’s my brownie?”
His grandson replied, “Sorry. Grandma said they’re for the shiva.”