Archive for May, 2010

Advice to bank on

May 29, 2010

A lawyer and a doctor were chatting at a party, when a 3rd guy approached the doctor and said, “Hey, doc, I’ve got this pain in my side. Do you think it could be appendicitis?”
The doctor replied, “Not to worry; your appendix is on the other side.”
After the guy thanked the doctor and walked away, the doctor asked the lawyer, “Do you think I should send that guy a bill for my medical opinion?”
The lawyer said, “Sure, why not?”
The next day a bill arrived in the mail. It was the lawyer billing the doctor.

Oh no Jew don’t!

May 28, 2010

A mugger attacked a rabbi, but the rabbi flung some coins at him with such expertise, the coins knocked the mugger cold. As the police were leading the mugger away, they asked the rabbi how he was able to knock out someone with just a few coins. The rabbi shrugged and said, “Jew dough.”

Be careful what you wish for

May 27, 2010

A burglar was ransacking a house when a voice said, “Braak, Polly want a cracker!”
He trained his flashlight in the corner and saw a parrot in a cage. Sitting next to the cage was a German Shepherd, eyeing him curiously. Again the parrot said, “Braak, Polly want a cracker!”
The annoyed burglar said to the parrot, “Shut up, you stupid bird! Can’t you say anything smarter than ‘Polly want a cracker?'”
The parrot turned to the German Shepherd, smiled, and said, “Braak, kill!”

A matter of semantricks

May 25, 2010

Two brothers bullied and terrorized the small town where they lived for years. One brother died and the surviving bully told the local priest to eulogize the deceased as saintly. The priest refused, and was found murdered that very night. The brother made the same request of the replacement priest. Knowing the fate that befell his predecessor, the replacement priest eulogized the deceased as follows:
“The man we bury today was a liar, a bully and a thief. But compared to his brother, he was a saint!”

Good news, bad noose

May 24, 2010

A lawyer visits his murder suspect client in jail. The lawyer announces “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, they’ve linked your blood to the DNA found at the murder scene.”
The prisoner responded, “Damn! What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is down to 140!”

dark humor

May 20, 2010

A guy’s doctor told him, “I’ve got bad news and worse news.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“Your tests revealed you have 30 days to live.”
The patient said, “That’s terrible! What’s the worse news?”
“It was last month’s test.”

White collar crime

May 17, 2010

A Roman Catholic priest chided a rabbi, “Rabbi, when are you going to try some pork?”
The rabbi replied, “At your wedding!”
Taken aback, the priest asked, “Seriously, you’ve never tasted pork?”
The rabbi answered, “No. What about you; have you ever had sex?”
The priest said, “No.”
The rabbi advised, “You should try it; it’s probably a lot better than pork.”

Another “sick joke” from the ’50s

May 15, 2010

A mother asks her 8-year-old son, “How do you like our new babysitter?”
The boy replies, “I hate her! I wish I could grab her around her waist and bite her on the neck, like Daddy does!”

Specialization in dentistry

May 12, 2010

President Ahmadinejad of Iran was asked what he wanted for Ramadan. He responded, “My two front teeth.” The questioner noted that Ahmadinejad already had his two front teeth. The Iranian president explained, “Well, I need new ones to eat with; my old ones I just lie through.”

Some people need new role models

May 11, 2010

I was in a kosher bakery once and they had a poster of Israeli astronaut Ilan Ramon on their wall. It got me thinking of all the Palestinian bakeries with posters of Arafat or Saddam Hussein (who was the Scud villain back then). What it boils down to is, Israelis admire astronauts and Palestinians admire asshole nuts.