Archive for April, 2010

The sad truth

April 30, 2010

Why do the oil companies raise the price of gasoline during the summer?
Because they can.

A new twist

April 29, 2010

Why are pubic hairs curly?
If they were straight, you’d poke your eye out.

Writing in cursive

April 28, 2010

A woman goes to a gypsy fortune teller and asks if the gypsy can remove a curse she has lived under for 25 years. The fortune teller replies, “Perhaps, but I will have to hear the exact words used to activate the curse.”
The woman answers, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

This works on multiple levels

April 26, 2010

A female blond cop pulls over a female blond driver for speeding. The cop asks for the driver’s license, and, seeing the perplexed look on the driver’s face, says, “It’s rectangular and has your picture on it.”
The driver fumbles around in her purse, pulls out a rectangular mirror, looks in it and hands it to the cop, saying, “This must be it!”
The cop looks at the mirror and says to the driver, “I’m sorry; I didn’t know you were a cop!”

Joke of the year

April 23, 2010

An elderly Jewish couple is sitting at the breakfast table when the husband laments, “According to what I just read in the newspaper, we might have AIDS.
His wife exclaims, “You old goat! How would we have AIDS?”
He explains, “The newspaper says you can get AIDS from annual sex!”

Rend in the clowns

April 22, 2010

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one of them asks the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

A JEWel of a joke

April 21, 2010

What’s the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?
The Israelite has one-third fewer calories.

One of my favorite jokes

April 21, 2010

The CEO of the Tyson Chicken Company got an audience with the Pope. He told the Pope that his company would donate one billion dollars to the Catholic Church if the Pope changed the daily prayer from “Give us this day our daily bread” to “Give us this day our daily chicken.”
The Pope said, “That’s a generous offer, but this prayer is very traditional and can’t be altered.”
The CEO said, “I’ll make it two billion.”
The Pope said, “Im sorry; I really can’t.”
The CEO countered, “FOUR BILLION!”
The next day, the Pope addressed the Vatican Cardinals: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we’re getting a four billion dollar donation! The bad news is, we’re going to be losing the Wonder Bread account.”

Yuppie joke

April 20, 2010

A yuppie was driving his BMW down the highway, his arm resting on the window sill, when another car veered over the centerline and sideswiped him, shearing his arm off at the shoulder. In his shock, he didn’t realize his arm was gone. A state trooper came running up to the yuppie, who was moaning, “My Bimmer, my beautiful Bimmer! [Bimmer is proper slang for a BMW car]”
The cop said, “Sir, don’t worry about your car. You should be more concerned with your arm!”
The yuppie slowly looked over to his shoulder and realized his arm was no longer attached. With a dawning look of horror, he exclaimed, “Oh my G-d! My… ROLEX!!”

A joke it took me decades to get

April 18, 2010

I read this joke, taken from the “Sick Jokes” books published in the ’50s, around 1970. It didn’t make any sense to me at the time:
“Yoo hoo, Mr. Metesky… you forgot your package!”

That was the entire joke. I assumed there must’ve been some famous bomber named “Metesky.” There was no internet in those days, so I actually would’ve had to expend some effort to look it up. I didn’t. Then, years later, I saw an obituary for “George Metesky, infamous mad bomber (from the late ’40s or early ’50s).” Good instincts!