Archive for March, 2010

Medical news

March 18, 2010

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.


The Answer

March 16, 2010

Why did G-d create Gentiles?

Someone has to pay retail.

Jihad Jane

March 15, 2010

Jihad Jane started out wanting to be an environmentalist.  Instead she became a treason-hugger.

Terrorist in Hell

March 14, 2010

A terrorist blew himself up and awoke in Hell.  As the Devil was taking him to the fire and brimstone, they passed by another terrorist making passionate love to a beautiful woman.  The first terrorist grumbled, “How come I have to spend eternity in fire and brimstone, but that other terrorist gets to make love to that gorgeous female?”

The Devil bellowed, “How dare you question the punishment of that woman!”

Spring in my (careful) step

March 11, 2010

Now that the snow has mostly melted, I faced the horror of cleaning up all the “deposits” my Golden Retriever, Puppypie, has been leaving in the back yard since late December.  Unrelenting snowfalls have been burying layer after layer of her nuggets, like archeological artifacts found at various depths.  As I ventured out into the minefield, I was armed only with a too- small pooper scooper.  Let me tell you, the inventor of the pooper scooper deserved to win the Nobel Prize, certainly more than Obama.  I felt like I was living the civilian version of “The Hurt Locker” (except no Academy Award), as I navigated around mind numbing numbers of piles.  What did that dog eat all winter?  How does she keep her weight up?  Some of the piles revealed evidence of past thefts: a rubberband here, remnants of some missing tax documents there.

As I was cleaning methodically, my face locked in a rictus of disgust, Puppypie added insult to injury by taking another dump.  Afterward, she looked at me contemptuously, as if to say, “Slave, you missed a spot!”  My hand was actually getting sore from repetitive operation of the pooper scooper’s spring mechanism.  I hope I don’t develop carpal tunnel syndrome from this adventure.  Pooper scooper injuries might not be covered by my medical insurance.

I worked in ever expanding concentric circles, reversing the schematics of “Dante’s Inferno.”  Finally quit for the day after about 70% was done; time for a new garbage bag anyway (I’d be awfully sore if it split open: “wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!”).  As I was often told by prudish young women in my bachelor days, “This way, you’ll have something to look forward to later!”  Puppypie is a Golden Retriever, but today I think I did most of the retrieving.  It wasn’t very golden, either.

This could be true!

March 11, 2010

Did you hear about the anorexic, workaholic hooker?

She spread herself too thin.


March 11, 2010

Last year I was driving along when I spotted a young deer (either a doe or a re, but not a me, because I was the me) standing on the side of the road.  I stopped my car, because I wasn’t sure if it would bound out in front of me.  It looked at me and I looked at it, for a few seconds.  Finally, I gave it the “go ahead and cross” courtesy wave.   I thought “Idiot!  The deer doesn’t know what that wave means!”

Nevertheless, the deer slowly crossed the road, like it understood exactly what I meant.  Now I think I’m a deer whisperer.  Or possibly an idiot, as I first thought.

A new generation

March 10, 2010

Certain Islamic terrorist leaders are urging their followers to have lots of children, in order to create an army of suicide bombers.  Talk about your baby boomers…


March 10, 2010

How can they advertise those Hummers?

Obviously, they don’t know the words.

It’s all a matter of perspective

March 8, 2010

Two gay guys are walking down the street when a gorgeous woman passes by.  One guy says to the other, “Sometimes when I see a beautiful, sexy woman like that, it almost makes me wish I were… a lesbian!”