Trial and error

August 2, 2014

A man was on trial for murder. During closing arguments, his lawyer tried a trick, telling the jury, “Not only is my client innocent, but in a few seconds, the real murderer is going to walk through that door!” The jurors turned to look at the entrance to the courtroom, but nobody came in. After a pause, the lawyer continued, “I apologize for fooling you, but the fact that you all looked at the door shows you have reasonable doubt as to my client’s guilt. Therefore, you must find him not guilty!”
The jury returned a verdict of guilty. The lawyer sputtered to the foreman of the jury, “How could you find the defendant guilty? When I said the real murderer was about to enter the courtroom, you all looked at the door!”
The foreman cooly explained, “Yes, but your client didn’t.”

The joke’s on ewe.

April 19, 2014

Did you hear about the zoo that had only one animal, and that animal was a dog? It was a shih tzu.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? They’re really good at it.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

April 12, 2014

A man received a ticket in the mail from one of those red light cameras. The ticket included a photo of his license plate and a notice that the fine was $60. So he sent back a photo of three $20 bills.

Sci sense

March 3, 2014

George Carlin once commented, “If the ‘black box’ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why can’t they make the whole airplane out of that material?”

Gilbert Gottfried said, “A father visited his son at college on Parents Day. He asked his kid, ‘What are you working on in science?’ The kid explained, ‘I’m developing a universal solvent that will dissolve anything!’
The father asked, ‘What will you keep it in?'”

Help from a gent

February 18, 2014

A mother and her young son were walking down the street when her son swallowed a quarter and started choking. The mother frantically screamed for help. A stranger gave the boy a couple firm claps on his back, and the quarter flew out of the lad’s mouth.
The mother was beside herself with gratitude, “Thank you, thank you, doctor!”
The stranger replied, “I’m not a doctor; I’m with the IRS.”

Jewperman

February 13, 2014

Superman was invented by two Jewish guys, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. This makes me wonder if certain aspects of Superman were tweaked before the comic hit the stands. For instance, did “Up, up and away!” start off as “Up, up and oy vey!?” Was one of his original super powers that he never paid retail (yet he did all volunteer work and never asked for a dime)? Did they bring in a mohel with a kryptonite knife to do the circumcision on baby Superman? Was Clark Kent originally supposed to be a doctor?

Tit for tat

February 10, 2014

A married couple was checking out of a hotel, when the husband noticed he’d been charged $10 extra for the XXX- rated channel on his TV. He complained to the desk clerk, “Why should I have to pay for the porn channel – I never used it!”
The clerk said cooly, “Nevertheless, it was there for you.”
The husband retorted, “Well I’m charging you $100 for fooling around with my wife!”
The clerk stammered, “B…but I n…never touched her!”
The husband said, “She was there for you!”

Pilladelphia Story

February 3, 2014

Then there was the guy with a fatal disease, who took two Viagra just before he died, so he might rise from the grave.

Cutting to the chase

February 3, 2014

Jock and Hans were lumberjacks. Jock accidentally cut off his arm. Hans put it in a plastic bag and drove Jock to the hospital, where they successfully reattached it.
2 months later, Jock accidentally chopped off his leg. Hans put it in a plastic bag and drove Jock to the hospital, where the surgeon reattached it.
3 months later, Jock really screwed up and lopped off his head. Hans put the head in a plastic bag and drove Jock to the same hospital. After Hans waited outside surgery, the doctor came out and informed him that Jock died.
Jock said, “But you were able to reattach his arm and his leg! Why couldn’t you attach his head?”
The surgeon explained, “Oh, we would have been able to sew his head on, but he suffocated in that plastic bag!”

Bummed out

January 28, 2014

A Sunday school teacher was trying to teach her students about the Good Samaritan. She asked 10-year-old Suzy, “Let’s say you were passing a vacant lot, and you saw a homeless man laying on the ground, dressed in rags, who had just been beaten up – he was covered in blood and his own vomit. What would you do?”
Little Suzy answered, “I’d throw up!”